SPAM CANNED AND DISTRIBUTED BY CHINA: Reading the Label and Chatting with the Undead

Here are three spam newsletters from ‘em Chinese folks.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to guess which ones don’t have a budget for a newsletter designer or a decent English-speaking copywriter.

Lorland.com

Lorland. Never heard of these people. They must be a sister site of one of the Chinese gold sellers I reviewed. I hate it when my email add gets bounced from one minion to another!

(Click for a larger image)

"WE HAVE NOBLES DECK, CHOOPER, HOG, ACCOUNT, MATERIALS.POWERLEVELING…" - Chooper??? Hog??? What????

Goldsoon VIP

So what’s this? Some invite to a VIP program? Special privileges include:

1) VIP Price

2) VIP Delivery Speed

3) VIP Customer Service

"SOON SAFE SAVING SWEET" - WTF???

‘YOUR ARE THE VIP IN GOLDSOON. ARE YOU THE VIP IN YOUR WOW WORLD?" - You bet your dumpling ass I’m VIP in the WoW world! Hell, even Arthas bowed before me! (in my dreams)

"LET’S HAND IN HAND TO BE WOW VIP" - Cripes your English sucks. And no, I don’t want to be "hand in hand" with you. Too gay.

"YOU NEED TO PREPARE FOR THE NEW RAID" - ULDUAR!" - First, I need to look for a few good players with IQ levels above double digits and the decency to listen to AND follow my instructions. Earlier, I did Violet Hold with a couple of random dudes I met in the game who asked for my help. Turned out to be a couple of kids borrowing their older brothers’ toons and didn’t know doodly squat how to use them. Needless to say, they got me killed. That’s the last time I’m helping anyone!

Anyway, curiosity about their VIP program gets the better of me. I contact Goldsoon’s live help as that epic chick Jaina Proudmoore (whom Cletus crudely described as “the pixel babe worth attacking for a good bang”) . As expected, Goldsoon’s customer support was epically retarded. Read the chat below:

Jaina-1

Jaina-2

Jaina-3

Jaina-4

Jaina-5

All the more reason to stay away from this loser, kiddies. What more proof do you need?